Saturday, September 29, 2012

The God In Small Things

[Photograph taken by me in Washington DC circa Spring 2012]

These days, I find so much pleasure in the smallest things. Running by the beach and drinking in the lights from yachts, streetlights and neighboring cities. Sitting in a café and swimming in my thoughts while sipping tea. Saturday afternoons in museums. An email from a friend just to say hello and I miss you.

These small joys were the things I daydreamed about in law school. I would go to Starbucks with my huge books and stare with longing at the people who just came in to read a book, sip a latte and catch up with a friend. “Free-time” was a luxury that had to be carefully scheduled between 12-hour days and weekends spent in the library.

My continuum then? Emails. Classes. Meetings. Internships. 100’s of pages of assigned reading/per night. Mixers. Twitter vents. Red bulls. Photocopies. Schmoozing. Applications. Panels. Dirty chai’s. Elections. Acne. Papers. Finals. Deadlines. Breakdowns. Stop. Pause. Repeat...

I lost so much of myself and of my joy in the process. Writing wasn’t fun anymore. My first semester of law school, my professor told me my writing was too poetic and too nuanced, then proceeded to give me one of the lowest grades in the class. Not one to accept defeat, I purged the soul out of my writing and learned to write like a lawyer: logically, concisely and straight to the point. By the end of the year, I had one of the highest grades in my legal writing class and made the cut to be on a legal journal. And thus began the process of proving myself to myself. President of this, co-chair of that…founder of I was always living on a wing and a prayer (one metro stop away from chaos).

After years of being a human-doing, I promised myself that when law school and the bar exams were over, I would take a few months off to be a human-being again. I kept my promise to myself, and I’m back in the land where this blog started: the land of “bonjours!” and baguettes.

My continuum now? French verbs. Grapes. Long walks. The Beautiful and the Damned. Café Au Lait. Miles Davis. Vanilla Tea. Necole Bitchie. Travel. Writing. Les Devoirs. Skype. Brain vomit. Avocados. Jillian Michaels DVDs (oh abs where art thou?). Deep Breaths. Red lipstick. Kem’s Intimacy Albums. More writing. Prayer. Laughter. Stevie Wonder. Kindle. White sheets. Madeleines. Tears. Paulo Coelho. TD Jakes. Soul searching. Sleep. Stop. Pause. Repeat…

I’m finding God, joy, and the me I thought I lost-- in small things.